What is shiva, and what do you do on a shiva visit?
Life eventsPending rabbinic review
Short answer
Shiva is the seven-day mourning period that close relatives observe at home after a burial. Friends and community visit to comfort them. On a shiva visit, enter quietly, let the mourner speak first, talk about the person who died, keep the visit short and, on leaving, say the traditional words of comfort.
What the mourners do
The seven relatives – parents, children, siblings and spouse – stay at home, sit on low chairs, do not work, do not bathe for pleasure or wear new clothes, and men do not shave. Mirrors are often covered. A memorial candle burns for the seven days, and prayer services are held in the house so that the mourners can say Kaddish.
How to comfort
The Talmud and the Shulchan Aruch rule that visitors may not speak until the mourner speaks first. Often the best comfort is simply being there, listening, and sharing a memory of the deceased. Avoid clichés like “I know how you feel” or explanations of why it happened. If the mourner wants to sit in silence, sit with him.
The words on leaving
Visitors take leave with “HaMakom yenachem etchem betoch she’ar avelei Tziyon viYerushalayim” – may God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. Sephardim often say “Min hashamayim tenuchamu” – may you be comforted from Heaven. The mourner does not stand up to greet or escort visitors.
Food
The first meal after the funeral, the seudat havra’ah, is provided by neighbours – the mourners do not eat their own food at it. It traditionally includes round foods such as eggs or lentils, symbols of the cycle of life. Friends often organise meals for the rest of the week. Flowers are not customary.
When not to visit
Shiva visits are not made on Shabbat; at the house of a non-observant family check the hours they receive visitors. Our shiva guide covers the timing.
Sephardi and Ashkenazi practice
| Sephardim | Ashkenazim |
|---|---|
| Visitors often say “Min hashamayim tenuchamu”; memorial study sessions with Zohar and Mishnah are held in the house. | Visitors say “HaMakom yenachem…”; mirrors are covered and the mourners sit on low stools. |
Sources
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